Dipping into the Negative

At times, throughout this process, I come to realize the experience of the Negative. Negative emotions, thought patterns, stories we tell ourselves, or even aversions to negative behaviours such as dominance or violence will be experienced by the self at some point along the path.

I often spent time wondering... how in the face of all of this "Goodness" that I have done, or that I am bringing and sharing with others in the world around me... how can I allow myself to experience these negative states? Over the years, I've shifted through several paradigms and theories as to why these cycles exist, and why I... "of all people" should have to experience them? Although I've experienced these negative cycles throughout all of my life, I never became so aware of it, as I have through the writing of these books.

During my writings of the more evil villains of the story, I've had to delve deep into the inner recesses of my mind, to extract the negative, and to play with it. To experience it, to embrace it, in order to write of it. I had to personalize it, in order to personalize it for my characters. In other words, I had to become evil, in my thoughts, in my perspective, and even in my behaviours... and I did so deliberately, in order to make the experience authentic for the reader. It was during this exercise that I realized that "evilness" can be picked up and dropped from the ego, or the self... just as easily as one would pick up a hammer, or a screw driver, or any other tool. Use it for the purpose in which it is required, and put it back in the tool shed until needed.

It was never put so crudely as it was when an old teacher of mine used to say... "Somebody's gotta be the asshole." I didn't quite understand what he meant at the time, but as my depth of comprehension as it relates to relationship dynamics grows and deepens, I'm beginning to understand.

And in this space, especially when I'm in this space of negativity, the questions arise as to ... "Why me?" So I plunge deep into the depths of Psycho Dynamics, and begin with my childhood. Were there specific reasons as to why I may dip in and out of the negative? Perhaps, but no greater or lesser than the experiences of any other average adult my age, or gender. So is it something that is "not unique?" Is this an experience that exists as the rain does... as the sun does... as simply what "is" in our realities. The eternal cycling from positive polarities to negative ones?

I think even greater still, these experiences are with me to help me understand the multifaceted depths of who I am, and in doing so, I'm able to illustrate the journey of myself, through myself, in my books. Without many of these experiences, my books wouldn't be nearly as engaging as they are. So, then the question comes to mind, did I do this to myself? Am I forcing myself through these experiences in order to help create an even more impactful work? Or is it greater than that, or perhaps more dimensional than that. Perhaps the works... the books are an aspect of the learning, but perhaps the real work lies in attaching meaning, and then evolving from these experiences.

And so I continue, I continue to attach meaning, and analyze the various thoughts that come into my head. I try to rationalize them, understand their origins, and then organize them according to my belief system. Why do the extremes have to be so great? I ask myself... why on the one hand is there the never ending urge to rescue all of us from ourselves, and in the other... perhaps a more self serving urge. Have I not adopted the concept of helping the all is helping the self? Why do the questions linger? In my understanding, they linger because I have not dealt with them yet.

Even more interesting, is my dream life is now more active than ever. And at times, more disturbing than ever. As I dip into the negative, so too does my dream life. Only to over emphasize my needs, or to highlight my dilemmas, or to put me in purposely uncomfortable situations to show me what is left to confront. What remains to be "worked out." Perhaps, the dreams are visions of the past, showing me exactly why these issues need to be worked out in this life. Sometimes these visions are so disturbing, that I force myself to awaken. Sometimes these dreams are so opposite of who I have created myself to be, that I wonder... why the dip into the negative? Why now? Why like this?

My mind then wanders into another paradigm of thought. If I exist in a realm where nothing is intrinsically meaningful. Meaning, nothing actually has any meaning at all, then why do I continue to hold myself hostage to the idea of "good and bad?" All of the evils all of the goods, all of the anythings that have ever occurred or will occur, are aspects of the human consciousness. Aspects of who I am, and where I came from. They are who I am. But then why do I continue to act as though these meaningless events, especially dreams, actually have any bearing on my day to day existence?

I think of the Yogi's, who are free to sit in a specific environment, which sets them up for success. They are alone, with nothing but spiritual aids around them. Nothing but devotee's around them, nothing but proper food and exercise around them, and the concepts of God and the Universe to feast on, all day long. When being so purposely setup for success, how can one fail? It is easy to reach enlightenment under these conditions. But give them a mortgage, a wife, a family, a job. Put the survival of their young on the line, and increase the pressure. How will they handle it? How real and applicable are their teachings then?

Perhaps they'll hold up. Perhaps they won't. One thing is for sure, they will need to adapt. And adapting in this realm, sometimes requires you to dip into the negative.