Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Fool on the Hill

Day after day, I continue to ponder my purpose. I am not so presumptuous to assume that the universe has a specific purpose for me over others, it's more that I ponder what my purpose is for myself. I think about my story, and the journey it's taken me on. I think about the learning that I'm undertaking, and the effect it has on my overall processing of my reality. I think about topics like psychology, science, emotion, love, and my experiences of the human condition.

All of this was at some point an effort to resolve my own issues, my own faults, my own darkside... and as I continue to do so, I ponder when I made the transition from fixing my own human conditional problems, to solving others. At some point I decided that I must become the source of healing and the source of psychological problem solving, and give that away as the world around me requires it. Thus allowing me to heal the issues within. Perhaps this book is an effort to resolve my own issues surrounding hero archetypes, or maybe just the adventure that I would have liked to have experienced, and so I've created it. Much of it is taken from direct experiences I've had, whether in physical life or in dream states, and been adapted for the story. There is much of me in this work, and there is much work left to do in me.

Nothing has any meaning, save the meaning we give it. And so I ponder the meaning of creating such a book, such a series of books, and thus I ponder my purpose in creating it. All things are meant to be as they are, in my belief system, so with that understanding, this book was meant to be written, and meant to be read. The overall effect it has will be unknown to me... probably will remain unknown until long after I've left this place. Who can really speculate the effect that anything can have over a long period of time... it's like throwing a pebble into a pond, and speculating the change in molecules from that single event. Assumptions can be made, but the reality will always be different.

This effort comes from a place of joy, as writing is what I love to do, and it's what I'm good at. The rest of reality will eventually change as per my intensions, and will allow more books to come forth. I can hardly wait! I'll get there... we'll all get there.

I have a vacation coming up, starting next week. I'll be spending 2 weeks in the Yucatan, and I'll use that time to complete the remainder of the book, meaning chapter 20 and 21, as well as the Proluge and Epilogue. I will return with a finished product, that is ready for serious editing. Stay tuned! More to come.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Behavioural Science

Conceptual paradigm shifts are often subtle, but once realized feels like you've known the truth from the beginning. You eventually come to a point where you can barely remember your behaviour before the conceptual shift. This is the power of a changing perspective.

Last night I had a conversation with a close friend, who has been subtly displaying passive aggressive behaviours over the last year. A particularly devious characteristic, which is not conducive to transparency. A quality that I respect and appreciate. The problem with passive aggressive behaviour, is that you tend to avoid direct conflict if you fear that you will be proven wrong, and bury the confrontation into the roots of your mind. Actually trying to convince yourself that "nothing happened", and usually will just say things like... "lets for get about it now..." and so forth. Of course, I can discern the behaviour, and I realize it's consequences.

If you do not deal with the confrontation head on, and resolve it immediately, it may seem like it will go away... but only for now. Then when similar circumstances arise in the future, you immediately recall the last time it happened, and tend to bring it up. Usually in a "joking" manor, or in a suggestive, non threatening tone. But many a truth is said in jest. And just because you have a smile on your face, doesn't mean that what you're saying is funny, or even accurate. Eventually, this act of burying confrontations just simply amounts to several unresolved issues within yourself, and then become outward expressions later on. Then arguments tend to be about nothing, and veer way off topic, simply because it's not just about dealing with the issue of the now, it's dealing with the issues over the past year... or perhaps their entire lives.

When you argue about everything, you're arguing about nothing. You're essentially saying, there is something wrong inside, I don't know how to resolve it... so lets argue. This is damaging to any relationship, and will create resentment, and slows the progression and evolution of everyone involved.

Eventually, after explaining my point of view for several hours, I believe for the first time, the issues were seen through my eyes, by the other party. Which did spark a paradigm shift, and an awareness of the defensive, victim behaviours, and the immediate break down in listening / communication which accompanies passive aggressive behaviour. But this paradigm shift took over a year to occur in the other party.

I of course, have gone through this myself, but moved through this paradigm very quickly. And because I've seen this behaviour in myself, I can see it in others. However, guiding others through this paradigm can take years sometimes, because of the illusive nature of the bahaviour, and the lack of resolve to actually deal with the confrontation head on. This typically leads to a stymie between the two conflicting parties. However, the good news is the other party saw the issue, acknowledged their victim / defensive / passive aggressive behaviour after several hours of discussion, and is now ready and willing to change. That is the first step. The next is being conscious in every moment, to watch for the behaviour and actively try to change it. Being conscious in every moment is the next step for all of us.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Creating the right atmosphere is an art form. And moving into my condo allowed me the opportunity to express that. The move went well, the only problem was the couch got stuck on the way out of my old basement apartment, and so we had to break down an entire wall, well at least a massive chunk of it to ensure its exodus from the stairwell. It was really funny actually, just not at the time. One of the Russian movers remarked that everything was damaged... everything. Except the couch.

I haven't had time to write for the past week or so, but I'm feeling the pull to get back to it. And usually when I don't listen to that pull... I get frustrated! But it's for good reason this time, as I'm dealing with my car which has some issues, which are now fixed... but I'm still leary about it's functionality. It's the second time this issue has happened with the car, which causes it to die and/or lose power because the fan belt seems to fall off, or get cut, which stops the power flow to the alternator... leaving me to run the car on a battery that isn't being recharged. That means it dies. Second time that happened... the first time, it died in the middle of an intersection! Then we took it to the closest dealership (don't ask why) which said they put a new fan belt on and corrected the issue. Then two weeks later, the check engine light goes on... then a week later it dies completely. Guess what happened... no fan belt ! I brought it back to the guy I bought it from, and he fixed it. I just don't want the same issue to happen again obviously, so I'm leaving it with him until tomorrow. Funny thing is, he said there wasn't even a fan belt on there to begin with... meaning it got cut, or was too tight... or just ripped and fell off, possibly during the towing. But I digress... It's working now, but I'm asking the mechanics to test it out for a couple days to see if they notice any other oddities.

Other than that, I'm still in the process of unpacking, and last night I just setup the rest of my network and computers at home. The one computer that didn't survive the move, doesn't turn on at all anymore... as it fell off the back of my dad's van, directly onto the cement driveway, and bounced a couple times. Not good. But once the office is arranged to my liking, I will be ready to finish off chapter 20, and 21. I've asked some other writers friends of mine to review the work once it's done, as well as a few others... so I'm anticipating some fantastic feedback, which will go a long way towards polishing the final product. 2 years in the making... I can't believe it.

Only a few other things are left to be done at the condo, such as putting up the blinds on the main floor, adding a couple more coats of finish to the counter top, and mounting my fountain against the wall. And of course... I eagerly await my recliner, that I bought specifically for reading / meditation / relaxing. That will be fun, but it wont arrive until May. I did get a new dining room table, and chairs, which looks fantastic. I'm really excited about how it all looks, and feels, I'm home.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Moving This Weekend

The big move is this weekend, which means... many things are going to change, and in a VERY good way. I will have ample time to finish the book as soon as I'm finished moving, which means I don't have a great deal of time to edit, and allow for others to review the material. However, I am staying on course, and April is still the date in which I'll be approaching publishers. Of course, if anyone has any contacts that may be interested, please let me know.

Otherwise, I'll begin work on book 2 immediately after I've begun contacting publishers regarding book 1. These are exciting times for me, and it's good to be alive. Thank you everyone, for your support, and your help along the way. Your feedback, and thoughts, and encouragement has gone a long way, in allowing me to complete my work within a 2 year time frame.

The move will be done by Saturday night, and will be the first time I'll have actually slept over there... but I'm really looking forward to it. The facilities at the condo are great, and should yield an entirely different way of life than I'm used to. My old way of life was amazing as well, with an incredible family, and support system of friends that have guided me along the way, and helped show me the truth. I am not leaving you, but our relationship will change form, allowing me to grow into something better than I was. So thank you for that.

I will be visiting my family at least twice a week anyway, once or twice a week for guitar lessons, and Sunday dinner of course. Can't leave behind mom's Italian Pasta... it's out of this world. That'll keep me coming back for many years to come. Anyway, not much else to report, as I'm just co-ordinating the move, and getting myself organized. I am anxious to work on the book, but I'm sure the break from the material will only aid to enrich the entire process. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Heart Huckabees

I watched "I Heart Huckabees" last night, and to my surprise, I loved it! It was a great movie about the journey of mankind, through existentialism, meaning their search for who they are, why they are, and how they came to be.

The plot revolves around Dustin Hoffman, and Lily Tomlin, as a husband and wife duo, who are Existential Detectives, and solve the existential problems of their clients. The story is quite humourous as the detectives gain more clients through several people who are all linked together in some way by strange coincidences.

Some of the dialogue, and some of the methodology for "meditation" (a word they do not use in the movie) is brilliant, as they attempt to explain the concepts of infinite, and what that means to us as humans to characters within the film. For those who are curious about the underlying concepts of eastern religions, or the basic understanding of unity, I highly recommend this film. It should change your point of view or at least introduce some new ideas into your realm of understanding, which may benefit you.

I love the movie industry, and I love the publishing industry, as the medium itself is what creates the culture and the understandings of those who enjoy them. These industries create subconscious understanding, they create normalities within the culture... meaning widely accepted ideas and concepts, which serve to evolve the entire culture, and elevate it by bringing new ideas to the forefront. Suddenly entire cultures will know what unity is, then countries will eventually accept the principle, then eventually we all will. And perhaps that will be the day that we finally see peace on this planet, by way of understanding who we truly are, and how we relate to each other.

Our culture currently (although with films like this it is changing slowly) believes in separation, meaning this is separate from that, up is different than down, hot and cold are different, I am different from that guy, and she is different from me. Difference, separation... then all of a sudden it's a grab for resources... I need MORE than that guy to ensure my existence and my quality of life. This resource grab happens at every level, even and most obvious at the Governmental level... as the highest forms of our Government will reflect our current understandings... spiritually, emotionally, intellectually... because we allow the Government to act on our behalf. Thus they reflect our current state of awareness and understanding. Which is first and foremost... Separation.

When our civilization makes the conceptual transition to an understanding that we are Unitied, then we will see a radical difference in our culture. We will shift into something bigger, grander, and more of an expression of who we really are... an expression of our core, our essence. Which is love.

Monday, February 06, 2006

It's been awhile!

I haven't had much time since my last post. I had posted something in between this and the last one, however I've decided to take it down due to certain content. The truth of the post rings true, but the impression it leaves could be taken out of context.

I'm still in between apartments right now, as I'm moving out of my old basement apartment and into my new condo. The process has been painstakingly long, but well worth it. The down side is two fold... not having a sane creative environment to work on the book... and no time to work on the book! But what I do have time for is jot notes, which is what I do frequently... whenever I have an idea pertinent to the story, or something just has to come through, I'll write it all out.

Interesting things have happened during the time I've had off from the book due to the move... some intriguing conversations have taken place, and some amazing details have revealed themselves. I was asked what my philosophy was, indirectly, but someone who didn't really have a grasp of what my philosophy really was... and like all of us, fills in the blanks with their own ideas and labels of what I might be about. However, as they were mistaken, it forced me to simply and plainly put into words, exactly what my philosophy is... for the moment. But far reaching enough, and true enough that it can be true in all times and places. It is this message that will be embedded within the story in certain respects, just so the reader can ascertain where I'm coming from.

The story is just that... a story. It has subtle contexts embedded, examples, and events within, which should make the reader come back and ponder what has happened, as I purposely leave out many labels. Simply just placing the experiences in front of the reader, and allowing the reader to decide for themselves. I've created a framework for the mind to play in, and when it's complete, I expect many will have unique experiences with the work, perhaps unique to each time they read it.

In this time off, a major revelation... well several in fact, have come to pass for me. My relationship to the main female character in the book, Tamara, really brought about some emotions for me, and allowed that chapter of my life to come to a close. It can never really be closed off however, as the basis for the character, is formed from experiences I've had in my past, which will never leave me. I'm a different person because of those experiences, I'm inspired because of those experiences... and it's because of those memories that I've created this book. She was my muse. An image left uncorrupted by the illusions of experiences, the projections of expectation, and the disappointment of reality. And it is in this image that I've created her. And that should come across in the book... however chapter 21... will definitely reveal how I've framed that whole experience, what context I've finally put around it... and how it's shaped who I am. Even until this very moment. I've enjoyed this process, as it's brought me back to those experiences... forced me to relive them, and in those memories, the experiences never really ended... as I can access them whenever I choose. I hope this makes more sense to you after having read the book. =)