Behavioural Science

Conceptual paradigm shifts are often subtle, but once realized feels like you've known the truth from the beginning. You eventually come to a point where you can barely remember your behaviour before the conceptual shift. This is the power of a changing perspective.

Last night I had a conversation with a close friend, who has been subtly displaying passive aggressive behaviours over the last year. A particularly devious characteristic, which is not conducive to transparency. A quality that I respect and appreciate. The problem with passive aggressive behaviour, is that you tend to avoid direct conflict if you fear that you will be proven wrong, and bury the confrontation into the roots of your mind. Actually trying to convince yourself that "nothing happened", and usually will just say things like... "lets for get about it now..." and so forth. Of course, I can discern the behaviour, and I realize it's consequences.

If you do not deal with the confrontation head on, and resolve it immediately, it may seem like it will go away... but only for now. Then when similar circumstances arise in the future, you immediately recall the last time it happened, and tend to bring it up. Usually in a "joking" manor, or in a suggestive, non threatening tone. But many a truth is said in jest. And just because you have a smile on your face, doesn't mean that what you're saying is funny, or even accurate. Eventually, this act of burying confrontations just simply amounts to several unresolved issues within yourself, and then become outward expressions later on. Then arguments tend to be about nothing, and veer way off topic, simply because it's not just about dealing with the issue of the now, it's dealing with the issues over the past year... or perhaps their entire lives.

When you argue about everything, you're arguing about nothing. You're essentially saying, there is something wrong inside, I don't know how to resolve it... so lets argue. This is damaging to any relationship, and will create resentment, and slows the progression and evolution of everyone involved.

Eventually, after explaining my point of view for several hours, I believe for the first time, the issues were seen through my eyes, by the other party. Which did spark a paradigm shift, and an awareness of the defensive, victim behaviours, and the immediate break down in listening / communication which accompanies passive aggressive behaviour. But this paradigm shift took over a year to occur in the other party.

I of course, have gone through this myself, but moved through this paradigm very quickly. And because I've seen this behaviour in myself, I can see it in others. However, guiding others through this paradigm can take years sometimes, because of the illusive nature of the bahaviour, and the lack of resolve to actually deal with the confrontation head on. This typically leads to a stymie between the two conflicting parties. However, the good news is the other party saw the issue, acknowledged their victim / defensive / passive aggressive behaviour after several hours of discussion, and is now ready and willing to change. That is the first step. The next is being conscious in every moment, to watch for the behaviour and actively try to change it. Being conscious in every moment is the next step for all of us.