There is a quietness that exists when the mind empties itself of the constant chatter of everyday life. I experience this when I rid myself of the past, of the future, and exist in the moment of NOW. In this experience, I understand that regardless what may happen, now or in the future, I will always be who I am. Regardless of how I choose to manifest who I am, or what I think, I will always be 'this'. I can attempt to change, to evolve, to be more than what I perceive myself to be, and to learn and gain greater levels of awareness.
In this I err, as somehow I've lost touch of something very important while striving to gain newer levels of awareness. I've lost connection with the moment of NOW, and I've allowed my ego to interfere, getting my caught up in the drama's of everyday life. Of managing relationships and expectations. I've allowed myself to delve into the deepest recesses of my mind, trying to understand the paradox of life, which some would say is simply a waste of time. Life simply is mysterious, and is simply a reflection of myself. No matter where I go, what I do, everything around me will be a reflection of my personal universe.
In my personal universe I can choose to be with someone, or I can choose not to be with someone. I can choose to feel guilt for leaving someone in their disabled state, or I can choose not to. I can play out my role as villain and even imagine that it was I that brought them to this vulnerable state, and then feel the guilt of leaving them there. But just as I would respect a 'stranger' on the street and respect their path and process as being their own, I must respect the path and process of those close to me... even those who are intimately intertwined with me.
If they have chosen to be with me in their current capacities, then that too is their path and process, and I cannot limit my own development by feeling guilt over the possible emotional turmoil that their connections may cause. This is something that I've been struggling with for some time, as I've only set out to do what I perceive to be 'right' and 'just' in the world, and sometimes that might mean being the 'asshole'. I can only hope that those who are in these situations have the clarity of mind at some point in their development to accept and understand that this is too a necessary part of their path and process.
In the midst of my struggle with myself, I realize that... although we fight... and we are one soul... I still do not have to do this alone. There are those who can offer their opinions... the world has no end to that resource, but ultimately it will be my choice. No amount of delaying, fact gathering, reflecting, or formulating will halt the development of life. Life will be, for it cannot do anything but... be. It is only my own imaginings that make the process more difficult than it has to be. My own mental imagery, whether that is derived from prophetic dreams, intuition, or day dreams of the ego, they are all images that distract from the moment of now.
And in this now, I choose peace... I choose joy... and I choose freedom. I will always choose that, regardless of the fallout in the illusions around me. Regardless of the people that cannot fathom such a choice and choose to be hurt by it, and most importantly, regardless of the good opinion of others. I will always be me, until the death of my ego, and my eventual ascension. So be it.
